Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The voice of worry.

Once again, as part of Josie's writing workshop at Sleep is for the weak, I have chosen prompt #3: What have the voices in your head been telling you lately.

- So he wants to have her overnight, eh?

- I know but she keeps telling me she doesn't want to, she doesn't like going up there.

- She told him she wanted to.

- But she tells me the opposite.

- Who do you believe then?

- I believe her, I want to believe her.

- Why does he say that then?

- I don't know. Maybe she says that to him and the opposite to me?

- Maybe... So she's lying then?

- She is not lying. She's caught in the middle.

- So what are you going to do?

- I can only take her word for it. If she tells me she doesn't want to, I won't make her.

- You know what's going to happen then, don't you?

- I do, yes. Back to that dreaded place.

- That could swing his way. Like it has, most of the time.

- I know, but I don't want to force her to do something that will make her unhappy.

- What about asking the question, in front of him and let her answer what she really feels?

- That's an option, I don't want her to feel uncomfortable though. I don't want her to feel like she's being asked to chose.

- At the end of the day, it's about her not you and not him.

- I know. I would hate for her to say she does, but I would have to go with it.

- Did you talk to her?

- I did. I explained that, if she wanted to, I would ask in front of him.

- What did she say?

- She said she wanted me to do it and that she would be able to tell him then.

- Able to? Does she fear him?

- She might. I'm sure she remembers his temper.

- What if she says she wants to?

- If she does, I'll arrange it.

- Are you sure she's not going to say that she doesn't want to go because she doesn't want to hurt you?

- I told her many times that the only thing that matters to me, is for her to be happy.

- Is he going to accept if she says no?

- Probably not. If he doesn't, then it will prove that he is doing it for himself not for her.

- What are you going to say then?

- I'll tell him that I had thought about what he said the other day, and that the best way to know is to ask her because it's about her, not him, not me. She's the priority. Then ask her. If she says yes, then we can talk and arrange it. If she says no, then we'll have to see what his reaction is.

- He will say that you coached her to say it.
- He probably will. But I know in my heart, I didn't. If anything, I pushed her to say yes. I pushed her to tell us that she wanted to. That it wouldn't hurt us, or make us sad. Reassured her that if that was what she wanted then it would make us happy to see her happy. She hasn't budged though.

- Would she keep saying no if she wanted to say yes?

- I don't think she would. She doesn't know how to lie. I know her, she couldn't keep that up for that long.

- Is it the right solution though? Putting her on the spot?

- What do we have to lose? If she agrees with the idea and she is comfortable with it, why not?

- Are you sure you are not going about it the wrong way and creating some kind of psychological problem?

- I hope not. She says she wants to be asked. She says she misses us when she's up there. Is that not creating some problem, too?

- She's only 6. What would she know about what she wants?

- She is 6 but she knows her own mind. Why can't other people see that it is about her, not anybody else. Why do they keep saying she's too young to make up her mind? She isn't. In other countries, they would ask her even at that age.

- What about you? Are you comfortable with the idea?

- I am and I'm not. I am if it stops there and he accepts her saying no, if she says no. I'm not because I know he is not going to consider her opinion, he is not doing it for her, he is doing it for himself. Remember his words? When do I get to see her? I. Not when does she get to see me?

- Are you worried?

- I am. Of course I am. I want her to be able to say what she thinks, what she wants, how she feels and not worry about the consequences. She is a child. I don't want her to be forced into doing something she doesn't want to. She does already. But she understands that I can't do anything about it. The decision was made for us, and we can only go along with it. My stomach is in knots, I have that permanent ball in my throat, I can hardly eat or drink. My head is spinning. My brain is overheating. The house is warm and yet I'm cold inside. My heart is beating hard, not fast, just big thumps. It will all unravel tonight. But there are so many uncertainties. It is not the end, it will probably go on, go back to that place and risk it all again. I might have to make her do something she doesn't want to, just because some powerful person will say so. But we will cross that bridge when we get to it, if we get to it. In the meantime, it all rests on today, this afternoon, on what she says and then we'll see...

- Indeed we will see... And then we can start it all over again, when it happens again, because you know as well as I do, that it is not going to stop, not yet anyway...


  1. I really, really feel for you. It is such a difficult situation. X

  2. Poor, poor you; I have a friend also with a 6 year old daughter in exactly the same situation. I think children at that age do know what they want at so I would do exactly as you're doing and take the cue from her. You sound like you're doing an amazing job being impartial in an obviously really difficult situation and leaving your personal feelings out of it. Hope it all goes ok tonight x

  3. Bless you - what a situation; it sounds as though you are really going through the mill, but you are trying to be impartial which has got to be the right way to move on. At the end of the day, it is your little one who has to be happy and comfortable, of course it is. I hope it goes ok:)

  4. I can't imagine what its like, even though you have explained it so so well I think it hurts more than that again. Such a difficult situation and, yes, 6 year olds do know what they want, they just can't always verbalise it, or their concerns. Oh I hope this works out in a way that you can all be comfortable. You have my respect for seeing all sides, not many people can do that. Thanks for writing this. Jen.

  5. This is an awful situation to be in with no right or wrong answer. I found your blog through Josie's writing workshop and now you are on my reader. I look forward to following you.

  6. So hard :( For everyone involved. The fact that you are asking these questions, working hard to think about what's best for your little girl, tells me she is going to be fine. It's just never going to be easy, is it.

    I really hope you can settle into an arrangement that you're all happy with.

    Much love x

  7. Thank you all so much for your support. It is a horrible situation to be in. We asked her and she said no. I told him she might not be ready just yet and to think about who he was doing it for, her or himself. Hopefully he will think about it. He had already started the ball rolling on the other side though. So we will have to wait and see what comes out of that. Thank you again.. Hugs


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