Recipe for pain.

I know, today is not Friday so it shouldn't be recipe day. But I realize I haven't posted a recipe in a long time. For those who do not speak french, pain means bread. Remember the Pain perdu (lost bread) a while back, that used up stale bread? Well, this week, I am going to give you a very special recipe for Pain. It is guaranteed to have everybody in your house appreciate you. It is a recipe that does not require you to go to the shops as all the ingredients are already available in your house. The only precise information I cannot give you is how long it will take for you to perfect it as it varies depending on who cooks it. Now it doesn't serve many either but it is the best recipe for peace and quiet for a while (and maybe some compassion from your husband / partner / boyfriend).

So without further a do, here is my very trusted and secret recipe for Pain:
Serves 1.

Ingredients:

- 1 baby (preferably around 20 pounds)
- 1 low bouncer
- 1 play mat
- 1 cot (with the base at its lowest)
- 1 washing machine
- 1 oven
- 1 bathtub.

1 - Take Baby up from low base cot.

2 - Put Baby in bouncer for bottle.

3 - Place mat about 1 foot away from bouncer.

4 - When the bottle is finished, pick up Baby and place the him/her on the play mat performing the hovering baby move (pick up, move swiftly from one side to the other , and sit down on mat).

5 - Sit Baby back up (as many times as required). Do not get worried if Baby becomes as stiff as a board, it only means that the sitting up or lying back positions are not his particular choice at the moment and (s)he would rather be standing up.

6 - Pick up baby and put on the sofa for a quick nappy change. Please ensure that nappies and other necessities are placed behind you just out of reach causing you to try and reach backward while holding the baby down so that (s)he doesn't fall from the sofa.

7 - Pick up baby and place in car seat making sure you do not bang your head (so keeping your back arched).

8 - After school run, pick up baby from car seat (once again, don't forget to arch your back).

9 - Place baby in cot. Please note this step might be repeated a few times if Baby is not willing to cooperate and sleep.

10 - When Baby is finally asleep, go to the room in which your washing machine is located. Sort out the clothes to be washed on the floor. Unload the washing machine and reload with dirty clothes (remember everybody: backs arched).

11 - Hoover around (make sure your nose is nearly as close to the floor as the hoover sucky bit is).

12 - Pick up Baby from cot.

13 - Repeat steps 1 to 9 as many times as required.

14 - Prepare a lovely dish in the oven, that cooks for hours and needs to be checked on regularly. Make sure that the oven is at the lowest level possible causing you to bend down as much as possible

15- Pick up Baby from play mat and place in bathtub. Wash Baby with arched back again.

16- Place Baby in cot for bedtime (again, uncooperative babies will have you repeating this step a few times)

Once you have performed all these steps, your pain should start to take shape. Depending on your level of practice, you should see the results of this lovely recipe within anything from a few hours to a few days. You might need to cook this recipe a few days in a row in order to get the best result possible (a whole weekend of rest). I have tried and tested it and I can tell you, you have just read the best recipe for back pain ever (and I don't mean bread).

Enjoy!